


Uke Or Seme? It's Hard to Guarantee - A Phanfiction

by LittleMissLemonDrop95



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Sexual Humor, dumb as fuck humour, such phan wow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-05-06 13:47:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5419370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissLemonDrop95/pseuds/LittleMissLemonDrop95
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world...where two British YouTubers live together and make videos...and browse tumblr...and eat pizza...and...well...anyway! One legendary question, one that has been passed down through the ages must be answered by our brave heroes...who should be the top when it comes to sex?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Quest To Answer The Question

**Author's Note:**

> A.N: Hey there! I'm Lemon, and this is my first ever fan fiction (and phan fiction too lol) so please take a look and tell me what you think! The next chapter(s) of this story will involve some sexual content so if you're underage...don't tell your parents. Reader discretion is advised.

Dan laughed as he and Phil read another smutty fan fiction together, they always seemed to get the two so out of character or badass for the two nerdy Brits. Not to mention how...weird some of them were.  
And so often Dan was the bottom, rarely if ever Phil! So not fair. Right now as they sat on the couch, Dan in his usual browsing position and Phil sat with one leg tucked under the other, he began to ponder.  
Who would be the bottom, if they were together? He assumed Phil, since he was just too cute and not sexual to be a top. Or perhaps not? He wasn't sure. He took a swig of tea and then let out an exasperated sigh.   
Phil raised an eyebrow at him. "Something wrong, Daniel?" He asked, smirking as he knew how little Dan liked being called that.  
"Not at all, Phillip." He answered with a hint of sass in his voice. "Though I have been thinking about something just now."  
"Oh?" Phil asked again, puzzled at his friend's weird curiosity. Dan turned to him and then sighed awkwardly. "You know how we just read that fanfic of us? I was wondering...out of the two of us...who'd the bottom be?"

Phil's face flushed red and he began laughing. "Dan, you can't just ask that! That's such a weird question!"   
Dan decided to test him though, by smirking and saying. "You're just acting that way because you'd be bottom."  
"No, I wouldn't! I'd be super manly and sexy!" Phil replied before making awkward manly grunts and flexing his "muscles". Dan rolled his eyes at him. "Nah, mate, you'd be bottom. I'd probably top because I'm more hardcore."  
"I can't be a bottom, I'm older than you. I'm a sempai, a total seme." Phil said while pouting. Dan shook his head at him. "In your dreams, Phil. You're more like Makoto than Haru."   
"So I'm a muscly, tanned swimmer?" The blue eyed male said, grinning. Dan face-palmed and sighed. "Yes, Phil, you're a muscly tanned swimmer."

The two laughed and then went back to their browsing positions for a bit, neither one letting on they were both checking the smut fans had written to see which one was top or bottom.   
The awkwardness in the room built up more and more, and soon Dan couldn't take it and he groaned a bit. "Phil, let's just play rock paper scissors and decide."  
Phil's face flushed. "W-Wait...Dan...does this mean we have to...you know... after this?" Dan paused for a bit. "Well...I...fuck. We don't have to, but we might as well test it out as well...and what am I saying, holy hell..." He trailed off, sighing as they began playing rock paper scissors. "No bloody 'all or nothing' in this, by the way, Phil."  
Phil pouted but sighed. "Fineeeee...." The two engaged in a mighty battle of scissors, paper and rocks, but finally Dan was the victor. "Right, so since I won...I guess I'm the top?"

"No way! We need to settle this...all or nothing!" Phil said and put his hand out to begin another round of decisions. "Fucking hell, Phil...I told you no bloody all or nothing...just accept it mate, I am the senpai." Dan replied and laid back into the browsing position.  
After a few silent moments of Phil and Dan googling and gawking at Tumblr, Phil finally spoke up. "I have an idea, Dan. We can finally put this thing to bed." He said with a wink. Dan facepalmed and sighed. "Oh my god...what even...okay, Phil."   
"We should have sex twice. You on top first, then me, that way we can see who's victorious." The older dork said as he looked to his friend.   
"Phil...you do realise I taste blood from just walking or going upstairs, right? How the hell am I going to last two rounds of sex?   
How are YOU going to last that long? I'm not a bloody...fucking....porn star." Dan answered, initially quizzical but now so fucking done.   
"If we do this, I'll buy you pizza for dinner." Phil said as he poked Dan's shoulder and then went for his neck, causing Dan to grimace.   
"As much as I love pizza, Phil...I'm going to need more than that as a bribe to see who truly is kawaii in the streets, sempai in the sheets."  
After a shockingly long pause, Phil began to smirk.  
"Pizza for dinner and I'll stop eating all your cereal for a month AND wash the dishes by hand."  
"...I don't even...fine, Phil." Dan said but then the two stopped. "Should we...kiss now or something?"   
Phil then dramatically dipped his friend, just barely missing the coffee table. "Oui oui, Daniel." He said in a really shit French accent whilst leaning in to kiss him.  
"You bloody nerd...be careful Phil, I'm getting a bit low now." Dan warned him before moving up and very softly pecking his lips.  
Much awkward. Such phan. Wow.


	2. Chapter 2 - Electric Phanboogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the titular heroes of our story finally get down to getting it on. Or do they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Terribly sorry for the delay to this chapter, I have been suffering with a bit of writer's block and tonsilitis but do not fear, all is well with me at the moment! I hope this will quench your thirst for Phan until the final chapter is completed, and once again, sorry for the wait.

After a few moments of animu kissing minus the cherry blossoms, Dan pulled away from his friend's lips and took a few deep breaths. "Bloody hell, Phil!" He muttered, and then leaned back to look at Phil, who was smirking and desperately trying to not laugh.  
"What's so funny?" He said, groaning as he mentally prepared himself for some puns from his older friend. Phil leaned in close and grinned at him before leaning in and planting another kiss to his lips. "Senpai notices you, Dan-chan." He said, trying to sound sexy.  
Dan rubbed his eyes and soon began laughing with Phil at how awkward this all was. "Phil, are you even...oh my god..." He said whilst laughing heartily.

After a while of the two laughing and clamouring for air, afterwards, Dan suggested they just go right to the bedroom. This would be some...hot stuff. Yup. Not awkward at all. Totally normal.  
They went to Phil's bedroom, closed the curtains and began undressing, the two singing the Right Said Fred classic "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt" and generally being massive dorks.  
Dan laid down on the bed, striking a pose like those so often seen in yaoi fanart of the two of them whilst Phil flexed and grunted. After far too long of this animu buffoonery, the two then sat beside each other awkwardly on the bed. "So...what do we do first?" Dan asked, unsure of literally anything that was happening right now.  
Sure, he and Phil had read fan-fictions about the two of them having sex, but it just...it...was weird to now be in the same room as your best friend, nude and about to fuck. "Well...let's do rock paper scissors, Dan." Phil replied, holding his hand in a comforting manner. "We can choose who goes on top first." He said, his bright blue eyes twinkling. 

Dan hesitantly put his hand out and played the innocent game often used to decide who was paying for their takeaways or who'd edit their videos but now was being...sullied in a way to be used for shagging.  
Oh well. "Looks like I'm up first." Dan said as he nudged his friend awkwardly and laid down, a twinge of nerves hitting his stomach and a bizarre heat flooding through his body.  
"Phil, did you put the heating on? It's bloody boiling in here, my god." He said, sweating already without really doing all that much.

The older male chuckled, face flushed much like his friend and shook his head at the situation. "No, it turned itself off about an hour ago, remember?" He then stopped laughing and gulped as Dan was now...on top of him and he felt something. Something weird. And hard.  
This moment of Phil just...kinda staring at Dan's dick went on for what seemed like a good ten or fifteen seconds before Dan realised what Phil was looking at. "Phil, why are you just staring at my erect penis?" This question alone was enough to make them both start to laugh again.  
At this rate the shagging would take forever. And I already know you want them to be have le cheeky bumsex right about now, right?  
The two then sighed and hugged one another before sharing another quick kiss. Eventually though, the two just began to kiss rather feverishly and soon Phil was below Dan with his legs just a bit open. Don't question it, it just...kinda happened. Dan brushed his fringe away from his face a bit and then paused to think. Every way he could think of this was confusing him. How the hell would he even GET in there to begin with?  
"Dan, should we take a pause and see how we're supposed to do this?" Phil asked whilst panting faintly. Dan nodded and got their laptop from the living room, which took longer than usual as it was dark and Dan didn't want to be violated by some creeper ghost while he was nude and alone in the hallway of their home. 

Dan then sat on the bed next to his nude friend and began searching for the best websites for how to have sex that way. So of course they went on tumblr. After another half hour of mindlessly looking at their tags on tumblr, they managed to somehow get back to the task at hand and began doing their research, then applying it.  
To his shock and surprise, both of them seemed to quite like the preparations involved with doing the under the sheets tango.


	3. Chapter 3 - Dan and Phil and the Chamber of Cheeky Bumsecks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein our epic heroes finally get down to business and have sex at long last.

Soon enough, Dan was on top of his friend and they both had flushed faces and messed up hair. Bugger.  
Hurriedly, Dan went on an epic mini quest to find the fabled elixir, "Lubricant". Turns out it was under the bed, along with some socks, a plate and...ahem...other things.   
He got back up and showed Phil the bottle with the grin of a stand up comic who's internally begging for someone to laugh.  
After a few awkward seconds, Dan put some lube on his erect man-carrot which was covered by a glow in the dark condom (yes, you read that right) and gently slid into Phil's caves of mystery.   
Phil grimaced a bit at not necessarily the pain, though he had worried somewhat about that though mostly it was..the wtfness of this encounter. This was Dan, his friend and Youtube buddy...inside him. Weird.  
If there were any fangirls about...this would become a fanfic to pass down through the ages. As he was lost in thought about that, Dan just kinda...lay on top of Phil and looked to see if he was alright.

"Phil...what are you doing?" He asked, partially concerned, partially confused. Phil nodded and laughed softly. "Yeah, I'm fine. We can get going now if you want." He said, trying to sound macho.   
Dan facepalmed at the voice, but then put his hand back to wherever it was before and the sexual antics FINALLY got under way. Hooray!  
The two dorks moved together in awkwardly different motions for a while, desperately trying to communicate to the other what to do until they finally got the hang of it and hi fived. Once they got into it, it was pretty decent shagging, you should've seen it mate, it was legendary.  
After a short while of erotic activity, Dan kissed Phil sloppily in an attempt to not disturb their neighbours as the two moaned and climaxed, maybe about 12 minutes after it got started? I dunno, I didn't have a timer. The endorphins rushed through the two as they panted rather heavily and looked at each other, satisfied.  
Dan gently moved out of Phil and laid back, waiting for Phil to come back from cleaning himself up. Oh the joys and stickiness of sex. Dan looked around the room and then froze as he looked at the wall behind him. He laughed and began tweeting about what he saw, making sure to keep things as vague as possible before setting his phone aside.  
Turns out that Phil's Kill Bill poster had been in the perfect position to watch them get it on.

Once Phil came back, Dan told him the story and the two spent ages just laughing and laughing and laughing. Once they got their breath back, Phil looked at Dan and shrugged casually, or as casually as he could. "Can I have a go now?" He said, kinda sounding innocent but not really.  
Dan nodded and let Phil awkwardly climb on top of him, the two kissing and repeating the process from earlier, though Phil's Shakira hips did make things slightly more complicated. Thankfully though, much like a train that's under repairs halfway through a journey, things got right back on track. This time they both kept going faster and harder than before, Phil because he was desperate to show off and be declared a winner, and Dan because he didn't want a round of "All or nothing". 

Once the magical, musical orgasm happened, the two collapsed in a heap of limbs and fringes and fell asleep from exhaustion. Dan woke up the following morning to find Phil on tumblr, as usual. He smirked and poked his shoulder. "So, who won, mate?"  
Phil looked at him in surprise but once the two ultimately made up their minds, they said it in unison "Let's call it a tie." Some would think this is because they didn't want each other to feel bad, and that was indeed taken into consideration when making this decision. The real truth is they said this only because they wanted to get better at it and beat the other in the future...competitions, if you catch my drift.  
Not that any fans would know, in videos they'd still be their usual selves, being as awkward and hilarious as always. Though they were totally secretly banging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this concludes our tale of British Youtube guys doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Tune in next time, in case I make a sequel.  
> Thanks to everyone who read this and left kudos on this! I am so grateful to all of you! I would like to announce that I want to start doing requests for people, and if this happens I will post a list of everything I'm comfortable with.


End file.
